Yellow White-Out

12/12/03

It looks like L & N Software is coming up with a new feature – “Any Stupid Thing We Come Up With”, shortened to “Any Stupid Thing”, or just AST. I’m proud to introduce the first AST – Yellow White-Out.

Why? No, no, don’t answer, just think. Why the heck would you spend massive amounts of time, money, and publicity (well, maybe not that much…) on a great product like White-Out, and then defile it by making it yellow? I’m not bashing White-Out, on the contrary, I owe many good grades on rough draft papers to the saving, um, whiteness of White-Out. It’s a necessity for anyone, like me, who works in pen. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on the good things that White-Out has done for us. Good…OK. Now, on to that evil parody of the good stuff.

Honestly, I’ve never understood colored White-Out. Yellow is my current target because I’ve seen it used, but it comes in multiple colors. People will argue “You need it in case you screw up while writing in pen on colored paper.” Face it, when’s the last time you wrote in pen on colored paper, and you had a legitimate reason to screw up? Was it a school assignment? Well, you shouldn’t be screwing up anyway, and you can’t predict what color paper your teacher will use. If you are the teacher, then I say to you: What? You’re still writing out your assignments by hand? What’s wrong with you? Ever heard of these handy things called computers? And if you’re wasting precious White-Out to correct something you typed, well, that’s just sad. That’s the other thing. The only times I really see colored paper is for things that were typed. And I’ve already covered how retarded it is to use White-Out to correct typed errors. The only time I’ve seen it used was to correct a grade on a carbon-copy grade sheet when I was in elementary school, and in that case, I have to say: How pathetic is it that elementary school teachers still have to write out each child’s grades? My teachers in high school just type them in and e-mail them to Guidance, but in elementary school they’re still writing them? But…never mind, that was going way off topic.

For those of you who insist on having your colored White-Out, at least change the name. “Yellow White-Out” is an oxymoron, like “Black Blue Paint.” You look at that and you think “Is it black? Blue? Blue-black? Blackish blue?” and run around your local home improvement store beating yourself and random passersby with paintbrushes and streaming “Black? Blue? I don’t know!” until they catch you and lock you up.

I think I’ve ranted and raved enough, so I’m done for now. Just remember “If it ain’t white, it ain’t White-Out.” OK. Bye.

-Tyler Neff would have used White-Out to correct errors on his rough draft, but his is empty.

Main Page
About / Archives